Advice from the Spouse of a Medical Student (Who Became a Medical Student Himself)
Medical school is unlike anything else, and you’ll never truly understand what it’s like until you experience it.
My wife is now a 3rd-year osteopathic medical student (OMS III) and I am an OMS II. Before that, I was a Master of Medical Science (MAMS) student. During that time, I thought I gained a glimpse into the world of medical school, having gone through one medical school course with my wife. Looking back now, it is clear that a “glimpse” wasn’t enough to see the details of the beast that is medical school.
My wife and I knew that we both wanted to become physicians since before we met. When she got into medical school before me, I was excited for her and disappointed in myself. I never blamed her or felt angry that she had the opportunity to achieve our shared dream first.
Instead, I was ready to be a spouse to a medical student… or so I thought.
As all students at PNWU can attest, the Scientific Foundations of Medicine (SciFoM) course is challenging. As a MAMS student, I went through it with the first-year medical students, including my wife. After getting through that, I was able to relax into my masters degree program a little better and, in turn, took over more of the household chores. But I still was not prepared for being that spouse.
Quickly, things began getting more difficult.
As a note, we do not have children, so my advice may not work for parents, but I hope that you can still glean some good things from it. Some of this advice does come from conversations with other medical students and their spouses.
Make a “Date Night”
This was one of the biggest things for us. It may seem small, but I credit it for helping us make things work.
Every Friday evening, after 6 p.m., we put an end to all studying and school-related work. That evening was not for grocery shopping, apartment cleaning, or anything that I’d normally consider productive, really. It was for games. It was a chance to make dinner together; to watch movies or, about once a month, go out on a nice date. During this time, we never discussed school and never talked about anything medical or even remotely serious.
Use the time to connect again. It is for you and your family.
Keeping it the same time and day each week brought a consistency that allowed us to look forward to something. We chose Friday because it was the end of the week, there were no tests the next day, and more things were open if we chose to go out. Even now, we still take that night and time off to keep us afloat.
Now that I am in medical school, I recognize just how important this is. I look forward to it and need it — for me, for my wife, and for our marriage.
Accept Your Partners New Life
Medical school takes over every aspect of a medical students’ life.
From the time we wake up until we go to sleep, we are thinking of the classes for the day, the classes from previous days, and future classes. Tests, studying, anatomy lab and more studying consume our thoughts. If we miss a lecture, we must take time out of studying to catch up on that lecture and material. We cannot take a break.
In medicine, we call this triage. We delay what we perceive as the less important things in order to focus on the more important things. When your partner is experiencing this feeling, it may start to feel like medical school is the single most important thing in their life. This is not completely wrong.
At times, our thoughts may get distorted. We may think that the test next week is the most important thing. In these times, I urge you to remember: you are still a huge part of your partner’s life. Never forget that.
This leads us into the next bit of advice…
Make Your Needs Known
You’re in this together.
Medical school is tough. Medical students spend most of their time thinking about school and studying. As the partner of a medical student, it may begin to feel like your needs are no longer important. Trust me: they still care.
That next test may seem like the most important thing, but you are still important. If you need them to do something or change a behavior, sit them down. Discuss what you want. Get them to understand where you are coming from.
This is a touchy area. It can turn into a fight very easily. Try to remember that it should never be you against your spouse — it should be you and your spouse, together, taking on this enormous challenge.
Understand the Demands
There is no getting around it.
99% of the time classes run from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. . In undergrad, each student is told to study two hours for every hour of lecture. We have eight hours of lectures a day, meaning we would never be doing anything else — not even sleeping — if we followed that rule. That leaves little time to do anything else, even if we desperately want to.
Occasionally, we will have Faculty Directed Studies (FDSs). These are not in person lectures, but we are still responsible for the materials. Our instructors will post a lecture or reading that we must complete. This is not “free time,” meaning that even though we are not in class, we cannot always take that time to spend with our families.
Recognize: Life Isn’t Fair
This part is never good.
My wife spent more time with her study group than with me. To be honest, it was hard to get over. I don’t know if I ever got over it.
There were days when we would wake up together, get breakfast and coffee together, drive to school together (or I would drop her off) and go our separate ways for the day. If we got up at 6:45 a.m., we might spend 45 minutes together. On some days, she would come home from 5:30-6 p.m. to eat dinner. Sometimes she wouldn’t come home for dinner. Either way, she would generally come back home around 11 p.m., after I had already gone to bed.
This meant that we would spend less than two hours together on a good day.
During my first year and my wife’s second year, I would spend more time with my study group than I did with my wife.
I don’t think that it is fair that school takes this much of my life, but it is the path that we both chose. That choice affects each of us, but we don’t let it affect our relationship.
Find Something To Do
If you just sit at home all evening anticipating your partner’s return, waiting for the opportunity to finally enjoy each other’s company, you will likely be disappointed.
I advise that you find something to do. Get a job, volunteer somewhere, or start your own schooling. I am extremely glad that I had the MAMS program to keep me busy while my wife was at school. With both of us occupied, we didn’t frustrate each other by trying to bother the other one to fill the huge hole in our lives.
Having something to spend your time on will help you to feel fulfilled and help to keep your mind off of the fact that they’ve put life on hold to get through four years of medical school.
Live YOUR Life
It’s easy to feel like you’re stuck in limbo while life swirls on all around you.
My parents are getting older. My sisters are now in their second year of college, and my brother is repeatedly getting promoted in his career. Meanwhile, my time is spent waiting, or buried in a book. Don’t get lost in this feeling.
Make friends. Go to the gym. Go out shopping. Go on little trips. Visit family. Keep living, for your sanity and for the sanity of your partner.
Medical school is all consuming, difficult, and one of the best but hardest things you can go through. If you got something from this, then I am thankful. If this helps you, then I am glad. If you are feeling stressed, unappreciated, or depressed, please reach out to someone. There is a group for spouses of medical school students. Find someone to talk to, even if that someone is a therapist. And stay close to your partner. Listen to them, and make sure they listen to you.
You’re in this together. It won’t be easy, but in the end, it will pay off.
“Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny.”
Phil Hasenbalg
Osteopathic Medical Student - 2nd Year (OMS II)
Pacific Northwest University of Health Sciences